Wednesday, 15 May 2013

If I have to run tonight I feel like I will die.

I'm just so tired.  Didn't get a good night's sleep - it was rowdy outside at 4am.  Usually feeling so tired is reason enough not to exercise, because my body really really doesn't want to - where is the energy going to come from?!  But this whole 'running buddy' thing is making me have to go running after work. Weird how simply deciding something together with someone, makes you do it. Weird and horrid.

Also, it's windy. :-(

Monday, 13 May 2013


This is disgusting.

Edit, one day later: Thank fuck - I've stopped looking forward to going running and am once again dreading it.  Yay!  My good old personality, pieced together with dark fragments of resistance, is back!  My advice to anyone who looks forward to doing anything remotely healthy, is to hang in there - it will pass, I promise.

Sunday, 12 May 2013

OMG we did it again.

I don't entirely understand how it happened. We said we were going out for a curry later - so far so good. But before we did, I realised that we'd said we were going for a run tonight. With trepidation, I looked out the window - no excuses in the sky - it was a beautiful, gently sunlit evening, dry paths, a gentle breeze. I knew I had to call him. 

"Hi. Sorry about this, but we said we were going for a run. You don't want to - right? Or do you?" I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best.

He hesitated. "I do..." Damn. "Hmm - I have to find my jogging pants though. Or maybe I can wear shorts. Yes I'll do that. See you in ten minutes."

So we did. Only the third run, but it was already easier - I didn't need to stop this time on the way to the park. I thanked the angels that today I did not feel like dying, although admittedly this may have been thanks to biology/ chance/ the banana I gobbled down an hour ago. 

When he finished a huge starter of potato fritters at the curryhouse later, he deserved it. I'm sure we haven't lost any weight yet (not counting!), but I can tell you that we feel terribly virtuous.

Friday, 10 May 2013

Run for sex

The rain lifted, so I ran out of excuses. We had to go for a second run (aka jog/walk/drunken dance).

The worst part is the way to and from the park. The park is broken into different pieces with a meandering path dotted with workout stations, so you could get away with running for just a few minutes before pausing. But the way there and back is unrelenting - probably only 5 minutes each way, but it feels like death. My lungs aren't getting enough oxygen, my face is set in rictus, and I beg to stop at each tempting bench. I'd stop if he let me but he has too much pride to stop so soon, and I have too much pride to look a fool in front of him. 

Further on it feels like my shin might split apart. I miss being so young that I can't feel the impact on my body from anything. It's funny how you don't respect health or beauty when you have it. Show me anyone who does. It just isn't how we humans work: we don't miss it til it's goooone. 

Running feels like death sometimes. Why do I do it if I hate it? Sometimes - for just a split second - it feels like I'm flying. Sometimes there are glimpses of feeling healthy, that I wouldn't have in any other way. Also, I want to save money on trousers - I've outgrown most of my best ones and have a love-hate relationship with shopping. Mostly, we don't want to grow old and fat. Old we have to accept, but fat is something we can do something about. 

We run out of breath next to each other - and I'm sure we ain't pretty - but somehow that's fine. I'm amazed that my fear of looking ugly to him isn't coming true. Some of us really have been conditioned to be - frankly - vain. Looks don't matter as much as I thought. 

Actually, the sex is better (and it was already damn good). It's not like we're suddenly more attractive in an actual physical way - we've only gone for 2 little runs!! - but the feel-good factor of having done something healthy sets in immediately. It brings self-respect and makes you happier to inhabit your body again, taking joy in it from time to time, rather than wishing you were somewhere else. Maybe that's what makes it worth feeling like death occasionally, too. 

I'd better stop here before I say something motivational.

Thursday, 9 May 2013

I am a woman

The majority of people assume that writers are male until proven otherwise. So I thought this is as good a time as any to let you know that I am, in fact, a woman.

Yay it's raining!!

Boyfriend said it'd be enough to run once a week. I had a feeling though that we ought to be running twice a week, and talked him into that (I still have a feeling about the right thing to do, even if every cell in me fights it). So today is meant to be the day of our second run - but I've been so excited because it's been raining all day!  My heart leaps every time I see that it's still pissing down. Rain, you see, means that we couldn't possibly go for a run - we might catch pneumonia, which would mean months of recovery and hospital bills. Running in rain --> pneumonia --> months of not running --> false economy --> ergo, do not run in the rain!  However :-( tragically as I write this, it looks like there might be a lull. Perhaps slippery paths are reason enough to postpone?

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

The first run. Ugh.

After years on the couch I was finally persuaded to try going for a "run" by my boyfriend, who is as fat as I am. I put "run" in quotes since we all know that that's going to last for about 5 seconds, shortly followed by wheezing and slowing down to a speed below ordinary walking.

All the same. I felt very proud to put on the fancy running gear that I'd purchased two years ago, when I'd gone running in my head.

But as soon as we left his house, the most tremendous resistance set in. "WHAT IF IT SHOULD SUDDENLY HAIL VERY LARGE AND SHARP HAILSTONES?" I looked up at the sky. It was clear blue but you never know and it's best not take chances. I tried again. "WHAT IF IT RAINS?"

He looked at me, his chubby legs sticking out of wrinkly shorts recently rescued from the bottom of the wardrobe. "I can see now why you've never gone running," was all he said.

We ran around the corner towards the local park. 10 seconds on I was bored, of course. I invented the running hug to amuse myself.

I never ever ever ever imagined that I would ever ever go running with another person, particularly not someone whom I want to love me, because of course when he sees my blustery flustered red face and notices that I cannot breathe, he will realise that he does not love me. 

But there came a point when I was sicker of being unfit, than worried about what he thinks. 

So there we were, running, flustered, with my arms around him because I was bored. 

We made it round the (admittedly tiny) park. I tried to walk the last bit, but he shouted those awful motivational things at me so I pretended to run half of it. 

We felt amazing afterwards but I'm not going to go on about that bit because this site has banned motivational crap. 

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This is a blog about being totally unfit.  There will be no motivational talk or positive thinking crap - just the good and honest truth. If you are totally unfit and would like to join us, comment here, on facebook, or email and ask to remain anonymous. Comments and guest bloggers are welcomed with flabby open arms!

Before you join us however, there is one other criteria (besides being totally unfit). You have to be trying to get fit. We don't care how. The interesting thing to us, is how you fail. Please document all your failures here. That way, even if you never succeed, at least we will get a laugh at your expense. For which, in advance, a heartfelt thank you. There are too many shiny successful people in the world; unfit people must stick together to reset the balance, and we must do it now.

Anyone who is fit and/or who posts motivational crap will be banned for life.